Going Through

I am an embodied soul.  Embodiment is where this process of creativity-as-a-spiritual-practice, energy work, journeying, integration and union has lead me.  I don’t even know how to explain how I got here, or what it means, only that it is a beginning of many beginnings.  I am soaring and changing mid flight in a constant interaction between my soul, emotions, love and reality.

I crossed a threshold few go beyond. My whole life I avoided it, choosing to cycle in self deception, addiction, immobility. I believed that once I crossed, I would arrive to my destination. Instead, what I discovered was a space not seeing, not hearing, not knowing… so vast and unknown I wanted to go back. The entry closed behind me. I was untethered.

I discovered there are many thresholds to cross. Crossing the first taught me how to get through my incapacitating fear.

The first step was to let go of the operational force of fear, the 1000 headed monster in every closet, cooing under the bed, hiding around the corner.  I operated most of my life in fear.  Fear by far, was the most insidious and cyclic energy that constituted most of my beliefs, informed my every action.  Fear wrapped around me so tightly, I could no longer move; if I am not moving, I am stuck.  I was stuck, and I was dying in the murky mire of shame, regret, inadequacy and worthlessness.   My self hatred (fear) was so subtle in its expressions sophisticatedly clothed in an independent strength, a persona of the queen bee, the mother who works burning the candle at both ends, the woman who used force and fierceness to mask how she accepted abuse as a way of life.  How could I possibly come to a place of love, self love, unconditional love if everything I felt, thought and did was in response to internal and external danger, danger that only existed in my mind’s constant messaging of run, run, run, fight, fight, fight, be perfectly still, if you don’t move you are invisible.

The first threshold was fear.  And it was a deviant lesson.  I was ripped apart by my own defects, sins, lies, manipulations… I was confronted with the ugliness of my self dishonesty and the depth to which I lied to my self.  I was disjointed, my feelings did not align with my thoughts, as a consequence, I was immobilized by a quandary of negative pulsing emotions.  Emotions that continued to further conflict with the self help, love stating, prideful, self individualized thoughts I drilled into my head with 90’s self affirmation and personal development.

I kept running from the thresholds.  In stead of going through, I avoided life, making a decision at any cost.  My life fluctuated between a whirlwind and a whirlpool, I was closer and closer to be consumed by the center, swallowed by the abyss.  Fear is the churning cycles that never end.

I had to confront the threshold. Be in the presence of the deep pitted groove my thoughts, responses etched into my mind and soul. Despite every molecule in my body intensely working against my intent, I had to walk up to the threshold and like a cliff where I may fly or perish, I had to take my first leap of utter blind faith. I walked through the threshold of the arch. I discovered something so vast and so deep and so indescript I had to continue to go into this unknown space alone. I could not go back, the door was dissolved. For the first time in my life, I chemically worked against the grained mental and emotional passage ways of fear! It was the first decision I ever created an action and followed through! My awareness began to develop new senses in the vast depths of my soul, I discovered the constructs of “choice”! I could choooooooooose!

Unbeknownst to me at that time, I entered the realm of True creating. Not imagining, not creating representation of my desires, but actually creating my life anew. In this miraculous space of “going through”, I am not alone.

“Going Through” by Nataki McNeal Bhatti. Gauche on paper, 12 “ x 17”.

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