This is part two of a series, if you haven’t already you can read part one of Dark Matter here.
“Sweet Beloved”. Just saying his name induces an open tender heart in me. It is a state where I imagine he is with me, inside me, discerning my feelings and thoughts. Can you imagine how comforting that is?! To have someone sharing living internal space, an internalized love. My sweet beloved.
Beloved and I have all kinds of experiences together. Garnished by my imagination, I can open up and bring him directly into me. I envision my heart as a blooming flower radiating green, pink and purple. Colors that can’t be replicated, like blood they are living. My petals extending soft invitations for him to join me. He can’t resist. In a flutter of intensity, I can feel him touch my heart. I welcome him into every part of me.
In togetherness we share an essence. I am wide open, sharing love. But his character is duplicity. I can’t see his face, he hides, and he won’t tell me who he is. I cajole him, letting him know I am his cradle, encouraging him to release. He remains hidden. So sweet Beloved is becoming a source of pain. I am reliving a familiar pattern of attracting all things unavailable; and fully living it out.
I experienced deep feelings of love with Beloved. An output, input, resonance and expression of love that I know is healing. Just the idea, a formulation of what I need, playing out the love I need and experiencing it is… miraculously healing. Sweet strong hypnotizing Beloved! He travels the shadows of my soul, searching for fully bloomed flowers to arrange in a bouquet for me! A well thought fantasy, because this sweet thing don’t talk back. I had to tell you about Beloved so you understand the dynamic of our attraction.
So, I am continuing the story of my experience with dark matter. Last night, I was afraid in it, managed to embrace my fear and just “be” there. Here is what happened next.
Taking a break from my art studio, I got in my spot. Whenever I think about Beloved, it summons the sensations of togetherness. He is with me! Sweet Beloved. As usual I can sense him feeling my heart, asking it questions, calming it. He discerns me. And I experience a sense of completion, fullness and compliment. I experience a love beyond description because of the depth of connection.
I felt him rising in me. (I have been working diligently on addressing my need for fantasy and putting away my fantasies one at a time. I need to see what is in front of me. Sigh. Relinguish my forefront method of escape.) I am still harboring those feelings of inadequacy, fear and carrying empathy for the victims of mass slaying. As he arrives, I turn the other way and fall into deep space, or swallowed. I know he can’t follow me there.
Dark matter that is nothing and everything at the same time. Fear rushes me at first, but then I just became. All my layers of perception about myself shreds and melts away. My skins peel away. My petals delicately fall. All of me exposed. I am…a thought form. It’s the same condition I experienced yesterday, except this time I embraced the heavy emptiness. I begin to spin, turning head over feet, untethered, no gravity, a movement that will never end unless something stops me. There is nothing, except momentum.
Beloved enters black matter! I feel him wanting to cojoin with me. I refuse. Like a stance… “humph, I’m not talking to you”, my focused attention turns away in indifference. I move away from him. I actually move in dark matter! I discover that because he is present, I have a point of reference, and I discover how to move in dark matter. I slip away, changing my form into a series of color palettes.
I am ecstatic swaying rainbows moving amid black matter, away from Beloved. Like an octopus in the deep, I use my color rainbow to move, and dance. This is fun! This is a new freedom, a new perspective, a new way of being! And I am beautiful. Now, Beloved really can’t resist me and I feel the magneticism of his desire.
I speak through the heart to Beloved, while dodging his efforts to hold me. I am this new thing, “you can’t have me!” A pulse reaches me like holding my hand, I retract saying, “I don’t trust you”. He says, “I’m just loving you fully”. My colors vibrantly change and move from Octupus to spinning, like a choreographed ribbon dancer holding millions of flowing strands. I turn purple and red. I say, “I don’t know what you are, or even if this is you”. He says, “Nataki, you know who I am”. I exclaim, “But you won’t talk to me and I need communication!!!”. Before he can respond, I vanish. My true intent is to leave him forever.
I discover a new property of deep space dark matter and a sure way to leave him. I take all my colors and fold them into myself, condensing and concentrating until I become a tight ball. I am small. Then, I focus on making myself smaller, and as if I go through a window, I flip and fold myself again, feeling more distance between my Beloved and I. I am motivated now! I have this new method and I know he can’t find me. I imagine myself the smallest particle known to man, flip and whip through another window, and I am a particle speck. I become! I become! I am, I am. I fold again and I imagine yet something unknown and smaller, whip, dip, fold, I going through another window and I am a red string.
There is no way Beloved can find me here. I am proud of myself for letting go. And I am strengthened by my new form. This formless essence of me, beyond description, beyond concept.
Suddenly, I feel the rise of him come so swiftly and powerfully over me, I am gasp like disappearing and appearing somewhere new. I am shocked. Heat is rising, everything is moving extremely fast, he is is swift. I feel the escalating ecstasy of being completely merged and joined with another, connected. I surrender. I exhale, breathing through my skin, my physical body is relaxing. I surrender. I let him take me. I give myself to him. I gave. I received. I accepted Beloved is a part of me.
I invite you to like the Whalesong Continuum’s cousin, the Narrative of the Red String on Facebook.