I have not posted on this blog for some time. There’s something that happens when I want something too much. I hold it so tightly it gets pressured, becomes bigger. It becomes so immense that I can’t tackle it. The more I try, the bigger it becomes. My mind takes over and intellectualizes, the itty bitty committee (tag team in my head) takes the reins and reminds me of my inadequacy. Distracting voices steer me away the spirit of the work.
That’s how I write, from my spirit. The flow only needs a beginning. Writing becomes effortless, I go with the currency of the words (spirit) as they describe the deepest part of my soul.
I didn’t always value this. Flow. Catching vibes, spirit, frequency and putting it into form… it is a principle my my mother, a visionary artist, taught me. Catching spirit is one of our governing high principles. Instead, like any hurt girl, I thought I needed something outside of myself to fix myself. I needed bigger words, correct spelling, literary formulas, even degrees to make me an authentic writer. At the core of this misconception, lies my truth, an innate desire to express myself with words. I need to communicate and share how this beautiful mind (it is beautiful when it serves my spirit) understands my internal and external worlds.
This post marks a break. I create my own confusion, stagnating my momentum, incapacitating action. Inaction, working against my needs, throws me into cycles of guilt, grief, self blame and self pity. Some would call this procrastination. Actually, what binds me is much more powerful that procrastination, it is avoidance. Stark irrational avoidance that completely immobilizes me. My psychologist calls it a “fester”.
I’m getting better. This marks a break in the momentum that would have me completely abandon this blog, an integral part of my recovery. I am maturing by developing tools to keep me from being trapped in the mires of being frozen solid by inaction.
On spiritual levels, intuitively, I know the Whalesong Continuum is bigger than me, more than the writing my feelings, process and thoughts, creatively. Words are the symbol I am using to put “it” out there. This is part of my life work. I express. I create. I manifest. I write. I surrendered that I don’t have to know why, I just have to do it. My tone is honesty.
Someone told me, “be comfortable in who you are becoming”. I am very different now. The change within me is profound. I feel the frequency of newness within me. Along with what I perceive as positive change, there lies my self criticism and unrealistic expectations of myself.
Some change is a process to accept. A superficial example would be the change in my appearance. My diet for the past year and a half, has mainly consisted of ice cream. I’d eat then sleep, meditate or dream assuming one spot by the window for the majority of my day. There is a sense of protection and strength that comes with weight. When I look at myself in photographs next to other women, I am a big woman. I like to feel power in my presence, such stature tempers the vulnerability that comes with the honesty I practice. I can embrace myself and discredit myself at the same time. I want to be like I was two years ago, youthful, hip and current without a fat neck rolls and round face. These changes mark a different phase of life that I am learning to accept. I am older, wiser, more accepting, somewhat malnourished (I am working on my food issues). My appearance certainly mirrors what I am inside whether I control it or not.
An internal example is I am more “allowing” than I ever been. Small stuff doesn’t garnish much attention from me. I relate to others by allowing them to be completely who they are. This stems from a deep compassion I have. On the other side, my codependency can easily get out of control. As I open my heart to receive others, I am confronted, again, with an issue I thought I resolved. Where do I begin and they end? My boundaries are not wide open per se, but definitely more on the receiving end. My PTSD still confuses me in instances, I have not practiced that I can say “NO” without explanation. Or that I have ownership of my body, spirit and soul. Ironically, except a few mishaps, this openheartedness, a blossoming ability to receive, has not caused harm. My recovery process has guided me to establish a direct personal connection with High Principles which guide and protect me. I have a security I never knew before; a sense of safety, protection and guided purpose. I’m talking about Trust with a big T. Trust that life works for me, and not against me. Such Trust grants me the courage to continue in my way. I do my part, and God and my intermediaries, do the rest.
What is integral in my process is to continue to develop a discipline through writing, using all forms of writing. Handwriting, putting a pen to paper utilizes a release of personal energy and intent. Writing post for this blog, helps me to develop a conceptual framework for my experience with the possibility of sharing with others. Using code, symbol and words in my literary paintsketches help me to meditate on specific areas I am processing. Except through Spirit, there isn’t a more direct method of communication than the written word. And words reveal! I am coming out of hiding. I am writing now!!! I have conquered the “fester” cycle by simply posting this post. A small victory for my healing. This is a demonstration of self acceptance, on being comfortable in what I am becoming in practice: a writer.