When I asked my psychologist if I would ever feel like I live in my body, he responded, looking down, “no”. Immediately, I thought, he doesn’t know who my mother is. (She taught me how to conjure the miracle through submission to Godlove.) Then, I was deeply saddened as I realized just how my past experiences, this trauma, touches every aspect of my life. And my pschologist’s truth, marks a juncture between two very distinctive paths: spirit and science.
My pyschologist often anonymously shares the stories of his clients. Coincidentally, the area of childhood sexual abuse has been a motif in his practice. I believe MotherGod was preparing him for his interactions with me by first exposing him to the creative mind, and second, exposing him to the narrative of sexual abuse.
One man, raped by a priest in his childhood, was aware his life was destroyed. “I am ruined”, he repeated. He had a family, a job and spent his days pinkering in his garage. He didnt have hope. It’s insidious what abuse can do to a life! The pain!!! The pain touches everything! Shame, dispair, abandonment and grief become hidden and most times, unrecognizable. No wonder I left. No wonder I ran away from myself.
I live daily with my ultimate enemy. My Judas smiles in my face while I know he will destroy me. My body betrayed me. My powerless body became the object of lust when I was still a girl. My body became a source of attention I hoped was love. My body betrayed me by existing, my spirit forever its victim. Yet, my denial goes deeper than sexual abuse.
I don’t ever remember living in my body, really. I always felt disconnected, almost burdened by it. My spirit and sense of self denies the autonomy of my body. Therefore, I spent most of my life levitating. My sense of self is the shadow of my body.
Existing as a shadow of a body on planet earth is not harmonious as a human being. So, I became something else, something other. As “other”, I could find solace in the disconnect I felt. I existed in two opposing planes. I learned to use my intellect as my greatest defense. I studied. I valued knowledge and understanding over everything else. My mind became a weapon. My feelings, which created emotional states within me, became warped and powerful. Even the ones I silenced and tucked away secretly grew. The only feelings I could identify were the ones that fed into my powerlessness; guilt, shame, worthlessness, anger. They grew so strong, they rendered me incapacitated.
All of this clearly describes a conflicted and suppressed woman. Even today, after two years of intense recovery work, therapy and treatment, my feelings do not align with my thoughts. Disassociative, depressed, distorted thinking, fractured personality are just a few scientific terms attributed to my puschological condition. I realize that I am not my mind. There is something more of me. And my mind is meant to serve me, not hurt me. Also, I can not deny my feelings. I must allow them to express themselves. But express themselves how? My feelings must be expressed in a body that I don’t live in. And now I come back to the juncture between spirit and science.
Science, or the approach of my psychologist, would take a lifetime to sort out and treat the entangled, complicated and deceitful mess that trauma has created of me. And the goal is simple, I’m trying to get to a point where I am functional, in daily life, on earth.
Spirit, supported by blind faith, has the potential to reach into what is ingrained in me, to realign into a more harmonious state of being. The pathway for spirit is pure emotion. My emotions create charges, just like my thoughts, when the lightbulb ignites. My emotions can not be expressed solely in my mind. I must allow the power of emotional states to flow through my body. Do you follow me? It is through the power of my emotions, as experienced by my body, that I can learn to become aware, connect and finally, live in my body.