I am better. I’m coming to this place where words don’t suffice. I don’t know what to say. Even an intense vocabulary can’t articulate the depth of my experience and journey. Written language is so inapt to express feelings. No pulse.
Some subscribe the term, “ether”, to define the place I go when I am in the dreamtime or deep space, aka, the dark matter. The dark matter is my first home. I meditate, pray and imagine there. Reality is my second home. Waking states hinder me as I still do not function well in the mundane. Escapism or not, for now, dark matter is my incubating state where my subconscious, spirit and soul can bypass the ill-patterns and conditioning of my mind. I am blessed to find this dreamtime state, as it is my only autonomous agency affecting change; my sacred healing space. And, I am not alone in dark matter.
I feel different parts of my Beloved, or different states. Baffled, I question how did he get here, with me? My desire to understand rattles my mind between faith & trust and utter disbelief. What my heart knows, my mind can’t accept. So, I have to silence my mind when I go to meet and commune with Beloved. Subsequently, there is much hidden from my mind.
No definitions to syncsyncly describe what happens, the environment and various conditions of dark matter. This is the realm of metaphor and symbol. Vast inner space that has no beginning or end. Travel, movement, is determined by the speed of the imagination to enforce connections. Pitch blackness, like coal, that is illuminated by inner life. And feelings determine the intensity, frenquency and color of the streams. Simple geometric shapes and symbols grant names to energies.
I meet my Beloved there. He is a part of me that isn’t me. He tickles me with love bubbles feeling like the pulsing sound waves of a bell drum. Fingers touching every molecule of my bodies infusing me with love. He whispers, “come, come, let me love you”.
Beloved is an explorer of my caves, the labrinyth of my inner lives. I set my presence to complete stillness, my heart is open, and aware. I only allow my mind to prescribe abstract associations of symbolic meaning and visions. No analytics or judgement is allowed. With acceptance, I exhale and fall into myself, over and over, deeper and deeper, discovering parts of me Beloved already knows.
Sometimes, I imagine myself squidlike or a jellyfish with many tentacles of reception extending from my heart, or anywhere I want. When I reach, Beloved touches… the touch!!! Feels like God hugging me on the inside, across great divides that become one. Beloved waits for my response as if asking permission. My matching intensity is our affirmation. We explore each other, the pushes, the pulls, moving fast, then slow. He encompasses me, then becomes a part of me. Synergy. The love is the connection. The love is the harmonizing of all elements. The love is unity. How could I ever deserve this beauty, this connection? How am I given freely what I need?
He whispers, “come, come, follow me”. My heart is open, touched by a feeling of gratitude so tender, silent tears flow from the physical body. Beloved spouses me. Holds me as his own, and together we rise. I am cradled, protected by my beloved, a sense I never experienced. Of course, I follow him. We amplify our hearts, light expands, for some moments all that is in existence in PURE energy. Lifted.
In the second closing of eyes, I see the spiraling motion of two streams of light, moving together, infinitely through space and time.
God’s grace. God’s grace. God’s grace.